Time flies

Well my first entry of the year as i've not been feeling too good...Woke up on sat with this fluey thing that is doing the rounds and now it's gone into my stomach and i've been sick...Lovely start to the year NOT...Although not that uncommon for me...Twice that i recall i have had proper flu on hogmanay and the last time i had an ear infection with it and the penicillin i was on i suddenly had allergic reaction to LOL

Am not that keen on this particular day to be honest, the 4th jan that is, not thursday...Twenty years ago on the 3rd of jan my mum drove me back to aberdeen for work...I'd been home for christmas then home for new year...My dad was in hospital and had been since the nov...Mum dropped me off at work and went to visit him...She stayed all day and went home when they sent him for his dialysis...One of my closest friends at the time had come in to stay with me overnight before getting plane back to london...Her mum had been in a bad car crash and was in a ward on same floor as dad...So we got something to eat after i finished and both went up to the hospital...Going to do a wee bit of background here so bear with me.

Now my dad and me had grown very close over the previous 2 years when he first started having kidney trouble...They did find out after a while that he had some rare disease that affects the small and medium sized arteries and therefor the major organs are affected, most often the kidneys...Although a specific kind of home dialysis had been set up he often ended up in hospital through here on the actual machines...So i was often at his bedside even if we had nothing new to tell each other, yes we were a bit daft...Dad actually fell ill just a few weeks before i finished my degree...I am forever thankful that he was well enough to attend my graduation even though it wasn't the brightest thing he ever did...In the year leading up to the day am talking about one evening i felt rather strange...I was out with friends at the student union as you do when you're young(ish) and just felt deflated and weird...I gave up and went back to my flat at the time...Well the phone was ringing as i reached the door and i managed to get to it in time..It was my older sister to tell me that dad had been offered a kidney and was being taken in the next morning to getthe transplant...You know after that call i went back out and i felt great...Was almost like i somehow knew that something was going to happen...Well the next morning mum phoned to tell me and then 10 mins later called me back to say he wasn't getting it as he'd too much fluid on his lungs and wouldn't live through the op...He was taken in to treat that though...Strange as the man who ended up getting the kidney was in bed next to dad and they struck up a great friendship...Back then our hospital said they didn't do live transplants even though we all offered one of our own...On reflection i do believe that was an excuse as in all honesty the disease he had would just have attacked the new organ...The last time dad was taken into hospital he'd been ill for a few days...His GP and my mum, 2 sisters, brother everyone tried to persuade him to go into hospital...One of my cousins was getting married that weekend and i was travelling home for the wedding reception straight from work...Got off the bus in village where the wedding was and got changed in a room in the hotel...When we all got home from there i popped through to see dad but he was asleep...On the sunday morning i was up early to go to church but popped my head round dads door first...He was so pleased to see me (even though hadn't been that long)...None of us made church that day as dad then said 'right am ready to go into hospital now'...He never came home again...As i said i was close to him but hadn't seen him at home for a long time only in the hospital...Even though he never said we all believe now that dad knew he wouldn't be coming home and that he waited to see me at home before he was taken in

That sat night on jan3rd 1987 when i got to the ward dad was asleep...Well his eyes were closed and he didn't respond to my voice...There was no nurses around for me to speak to and i didn't stay to long as i'd see him the next day...I told him about how new year was and that i loved him and kissed his cheek and said see you tomorrow...Went away and waited for my friend...That night we were both late getting to bed and i set my alarm for 6am so friend could get her flight...I woke at 4.55am and thought done it again woken well in advance of alarm (used to back then not now LOL)...Then i felt very strange and there was a sense of someone else in the room with me and that person was very peaceful...Looked at the clock and it said 5am...Somehow i just knew dad was with me in my room and then he was gone...Well i did fall back asleep and i did waken with the alarm and my friend left for the airport...both my flatmates were away at the time...The phone rang at 8am and i answered it sat on the floor as i knew already what the news was going to be...It was mum and she told me that dad had passed away peacefully earlier that morning...I asked her what time and she said 5am

I loved and still do love my dad to bits...I do believe he visited me that morning on his way to a better place for him...I also believe he sent me kerry not long after...She was born almost 9months later and is an absolute star...It doesn't seem like 20 years ago today that we lost dad...One of my favourite photos of him has pride of place on one of my walls...He was a hardworking fisherman all his days, al elder in the Kirk and he was a popular and well respected member of the community in the small village i grew up in and still call home... Even though he'd had to give up the sea a few years before he died due to back problems nearly every fishing boat in the area didn't go back to sea after being tied up for christmas and new year until after his funeral...The kirk was so packed to the rafters that day.

I have felt guilty over the years for not phoning anyone to tell them to come in that night before you passed away...I have felt guilty that i was last family member to see you alive...I don't think that guilt will every go away although mum, my sisters and brother have told me not to be so daft...I knew deep down inside that sat night i wasn't going to see you alive again i just didn't want to ackowledge it...You'd been on dialysis for about 4 hours after mum left...You were put on dialysis again at about midnight and passed away only about 20 mins after they finished that round...Mum has said she knew too and didn't say anything as she didn't want to fear the worst

God bless you dad i miss you heaps and although i often feel like black sheep of the family i do hope that you are proud of me in some ways...Especially in how i have brought my children up, even if i haven't taken them to church, but you'd understand that would be too hard with the boys :o) I have tried to instil the same values in them that you and mum gave to me...Not always easy when you have the autism to contend with but i have done and continue to do my best and you would understand...I always waken up at same time every 4th jan, the same time i awoke that day so long ago now.

Am sorry this entry has been so bleak...For some unknown reason i felt a need to write it down this year...Why after so long i don't know, maybe he's prompted me to, who knows.

Take care xx