am still alive just not writing

I'll be back later in the week i hope...G has his prelims start this week so is on 2 weeks of study leave...The base have him in school the day before each of his 3 exams so he's not off too much LOL...But the base in their wisdom didn't give a timetable to the escort and taxi...Had to phone this morning to say he would be in today to study, tomorrow for exam, off on wed, in on thurs to study and fri for exam...Next week he's off mon, tues, in on wed to stud, thurs for exam and off on fri...He doesn't study at home which annoys me but as he is studying all day in the base then am not too worried...At the mo i am having a roll on feb attitude as it's been a dire beginning to the year...Just hope everyone is well and i will try my best to catch up on journals and maybe make some comments soon.

Men LOL

Don't you just love teenagers, especially of the male variety LOL...On tues night at about 10.45 G suddenly announced that parents night for his other school was on the wed...He then asked would 6.30pm be fine as that's what he'd told his teacher....Grrrrr MEN!!!!!...Well G was going out with a pal to the cinema as it was his pals birthday but M still wanted to go to their Triple A club...The club runs from 6.30-8.30 pm and had moved to a new venue at opposite end of the city from that school...So i had to drag M with me (he wasn't impressed) then take him to his club late...Glad i went though even though i had no idea where i was going...Asked bloke from corner shop where the school was then eventually found someone in the school who could tell me where the etchnology dept was LOL...His teacher only started in august and said that G was very quiet to start with...I explained that he'd had problems settling in to this school and it had taken ages to get all the issues sorted out...I also explained that new teacher would take a while to settle to cos of his aspergers but that G did really like him...So because G's maths is so extremely good (LOLOLOL) then this helps with his technological studies as it is very mathematical...He's less quiet now and mixing really well with the other pupils, helps them with things and is doing very well in the subject...I did ask what grade he thought G might get in the actual exam in may...He said it is too early to tell what any of them should get in that subject yet but that G should get an A and defo no less than a B pass...This is of course barring any unforseen circumstances...I am so chuffed to bits again :o) Sometimes it is hard for me to take in that this lad of mine is doing so well considering how severely autistic he used to be...The teacher told me that G needed £7 with him today to pay for the access code for the internet so he can download or print off the past papers...You can guess that G forgot to tell me this...The SQA have never produced past papers for Higher Tech Studies before but they have this year...Only online hence the access code that needs paying for...I have written in his home school book asking if the base can print them off as my printer is capput just now and i can't afford a new one just yet...Am sure they will though and probs take more than one copy to keep for themselves LOL...But G is off today as he was sick this morning and has a headache...Am just praying that it's not this flu type virus as his prelims start at end of the month...Am slowly getting there but it's taken a lot out of me...Am still getting tired far to easily and i still feel sick...Well i try to eat but my stomach ain't happy about having much in way of food in it and cos am not eating much my tummy is protesting and feeling sick through lack of food...Catch 22 LOL

The loan people have really done my head in...Am fed up of phoning them...The woman in charge of my case was off on hols till mon and no-one else would discuss it with me grrrrr...Then she was always on another line when i tried to get her...Finally on tues she said the land register search had thrown up an anomaly...See the flat was bought in my maiden name but my application is in married name which i've kept...Well DUH i did tell them that right at the start...So she had to wait for the lenders to get back to her which she said should be later on the tues...Tried phoning yesterday got no-where, today i phoned and finally got to speak to her (feel like charging them for these calls LOL)...the lenders are fine with it but need proof of change of name...So i asked will a photocopy of my divorce certificate do and it will...So that's now posted off and i should have my cheque through next week...By which time all the sales will most likely be finished grrrrr...Homebase were advertising a kitchen starting at £500...Ok that is only for the units but at that price then i could have got new hob and oven and sink and worktop as well...Oh well will have to see what's around when i finally get the blasted cheque...Might be that i just haul out the units i don't want anymore to make space for a table...And buy a new hob and oven and sink and get new doors for the remaining units...I know i can get ultra cheap flooring out of poundland LOL...I should phone that 60 minute makeover and ask them to come do it all for me instead...Problem is i don't fancy appearing on telly <ggg> M's come home with a letter about his schools Burns Night...He wants to go <sigh> I don't like haggis, i told you that last year...He's auditioning for a part at the Burns Night...Singing now there's a surprise ROFL...He said it doesn't have to be a Scottish song either...No doubt he will get picked to do that as he is their best singer so that means i do have to go...If he's not picked then maybe he won't want to LOL...Am off for a coffee as it's cold and windy...Not quite as bad as elsewhere in the country but still downright miserable

Toodle pip tc xx

Thanks

I just want to say thank you to everyone for all the lovely comments you left on my rather dreich entry from yesterday :o) Luckily for you all this bug can't be passed on via the internet...I feel particularly vile today and the boys are trying to avoid me as much as possible...Well maybe that's a good side effect as am having some peace and quiet through here whilst they are in one of the bedrooms LOL...Am going to have to grab a friend to get some bits and bobs from asda for me though as we're running out of juice etc...Costs a fortune just getting from corner shop but needs must...Besides am in dire need of some lightbulbs...Specialist ones and asda is cheapest place to get them...My big sis and youngest nephew have birthdays tomorrow and mon but am sure they will be understanding about getting late cards and pressies...I have managed to get most of the decorations down and packed up but not put away so living room is covered in boxes...Need to get the rest down today and am hoping that G will help me get the high up stuff down...I had asked him to put the rubbish out yesterday morning before he went to respite but he forgot...So i dragged meself down the stairs to put in the street bins...Well you could have knocked me down with a feather...Being not quite with it i chucked the two bags in one of the bins then realised all the other bins were *missing*...Then i saw two men glaring at me from a van...WHOOPS...The on street bins were installed in my street either 5 or 6 years past last august...Individual wheelie bins aren't an option in the old victorian tenemants that are my street...Now when they installed them we were told they would be cleaned out and thoroughly washed once a year...Have they heck, they've never been washed that any of us have seen...Well this van yesterday was round to wash them...So am guessing they didn't wash the one that me and someone else threw our rubbish into...Instead of glaring at us they could have shouted out to stop us and ask us politely to wait say 15 mins until they'd finished...They might come back and do the bin they missed HAHAHA!!!! Yeah right in another 5-6 years time maybe...Oh and just one more thing...I saw on the news either last week or early this week something about education...The government suggesting that every pupil in a school has some kind of action plan so they don't get left out and missed...Well perhaps our government should take a look at how special needs schools operate...And how special needs pupils in mainstream schools are set up, or supposed to be set up...Am not entirely sure about england but in scotland i know that every pupil (both mainstream and sen) with special needs has to have an individual education plan (IEP)...Now from what i read on the news this is what they seem to want for every pupil...Something i have always said over the years is every pupil could do with having an IEP...In fact another thing the government was proposing for schools was pupils learning life skills...Well again our government should take a look at SEN schools and SEN bases(units)...Life skills are taught as matter of course in these places...You know maybe SEN schools have a better education policy than mainstream LOL...PERHAPS by introducing policies from SEN into mainstream then inclusion would actually work...Maybe our SEN pupils are going to leave school better equipped to deal with life outside school than those rote learned to pass tests & exams...Just a thought :o)

Toodle pip tc xx

Time flies

Well my first entry of the year as i've not been feeling too good...Woke up on sat with this fluey thing that is doing the rounds and now it's gone into my stomach and i've been sick...Lovely start to the year NOT...Although not that uncommon for me...Twice that i recall i have had proper flu on hogmanay and the last time i had an ear infection with it and the penicillin i was on i suddenly had allergic reaction to LOL

Am not that keen on this particular day to be honest, the 4th jan that is, not thursday...Twenty years ago on the 3rd of jan my mum drove me back to aberdeen for work...I'd been home for christmas then home for new year...My dad was in hospital and had been since the nov...Mum dropped me off at work and went to visit him...She stayed all day and went home when they sent him for his dialysis...One of my closest friends at the time had come in to stay with me overnight before getting plane back to london...Her mum had been in a bad car crash and was in a ward on same floor as dad...So we got something to eat after i finished and both went up to the hospital...Going to do a wee bit of background here so bear with me.

Now my dad and me had grown very close over the previous 2 years when he first started having kidney trouble...They did find out after a while that he had some rare disease that affects the small and medium sized arteries and therefor the major organs are affected, most often the kidneys...Although a specific kind of home dialysis had been set up he often ended up in hospital through here on the actual machines...So i was often at his bedside even if we had nothing new to tell each other, yes we were a bit daft...Dad actually fell ill just a few weeks before i finished my degree...I am forever thankful that he was well enough to attend my graduation even though it wasn't the brightest thing he ever did...In the year leading up to the day am talking about one evening i felt rather strange...I was out with friends at the student union as you do when you're young(ish) and just felt deflated and weird...I gave up and went back to my flat at the time...Well the phone was ringing as i reached the door and i managed to get to it in time..It was my older sister to tell me that dad had been offered a kidney and was being taken in the next morning to getthe transplant...You know after that call i went back out and i felt great...Was almost like i somehow knew that something was going to happen...Well the next morning mum phoned to tell me and then 10 mins later called me back to say he wasn't getting it as he'd too much fluid on his lungs and wouldn't live through the op...He was taken in to treat that though...Strange as the man who ended up getting the kidney was in bed next to dad and they struck up a great friendship...Back then our hospital said they didn't do live transplants even though we all offered one of our own...On reflection i do believe that was an excuse as in all honesty the disease he had would just have attacked the new organ...The last time dad was taken into hospital he'd been ill for a few days...His GP and my mum, 2 sisters, brother everyone tried to persuade him to go into hospital...One of my cousins was getting married that weekend and i was travelling home for the wedding reception straight from work...Got off the bus in village where the wedding was and got changed in a room in the hotel...When we all got home from there i popped through to see dad but he was asleep...On the sunday morning i was up early to go to church but popped my head round dads door first...He was so pleased to see me (even though hadn't been that long)...None of us made church that day as dad then said 'right am ready to go into hospital now'...He never came home again...As i said i was close to him but hadn't seen him at home for a long time only in the hospital...Even though he never said we all believe now that dad knew he wouldn't be coming home and that he waited to see me at home before he was taken in

That sat night on jan3rd 1987 when i got to the ward dad was asleep...Well his eyes were closed and he didn't respond to my voice...There was no nurses around for me to speak to and i didn't stay to long as i'd see him the next day...I told him about how new year was and that i loved him and kissed his cheek and said see you tomorrow...Went away and waited for my friend...That night we were both late getting to bed and i set my alarm for 6am so friend could get her flight...I woke at 4.55am and thought done it again woken well in advance of alarm (used to back then not now LOL)...Then i felt very strange and there was a sense of someone else in the room with me and that person was very peaceful...Looked at the clock and it said 5am...Somehow i just knew dad was with me in my room and then he was gone...Well i did fall back asleep and i did waken with the alarm and my friend left for the airport...both my flatmates were away at the time...The phone rang at 8am and i answered it sat on the floor as i knew already what the news was going to be...It was mum and she told me that dad had passed away peacefully earlier that morning...I asked her what time and she said 5am

I loved and still do love my dad to bits...I do believe he visited me that morning on his way to a better place for him...I also believe he sent me kerry not long after...She was born almost 9months later and is an absolute star...It doesn't seem like 20 years ago today that we lost dad...One of my favourite photos of him has pride of place on one of my walls...He was a hardworking fisherman all his days, al elder in the Kirk and he was a popular and well respected member of the community in the small village i grew up in and still call home... Even though he'd had to give up the sea a few years before he died due to back problems nearly every fishing boat in the area didn't go back to sea after being tied up for christmas and new year until after his funeral...The kirk was so packed to the rafters that day.

I have felt guilty over the years for not phoning anyone to tell them to come in that night before you passed away...I have felt guilty that i was last family member to see you alive...I don't think that guilt will every go away although mum, my sisters and brother have told me not to be so daft...I knew deep down inside that sat night i wasn't going to see you alive again i just didn't want to ackowledge it...You'd been on dialysis for about 4 hours after mum left...You were put on dialysis again at about midnight and passed away only about 20 mins after they finished that round...Mum has said she knew too and didn't say anything as she didn't want to fear the worst

God bless you dad i miss you heaps and although i often feel like black sheep of the family i do hope that you are proud of me in some ways...Especially in how i have brought my children up, even if i haven't taken them to church, but you'd understand that would be too hard with the boys :o) I have tried to instil the same values in them that you and mum gave to me...Not always easy when you have the autism to contend with but i have done and continue to do my best and you would understand...I always waken up at same time every 4th jan, the same time i awoke that day so long ago now.

Am sorry this entry has been so bleak...For some unknown reason i felt a need to write it down this year...Why after so long i don't know, maybe he's prompted me to, who knows.

Take care xx